December 16, 2017

Best Dog Life Jacket

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Mary asks…

What do you think of this joke?

The Barbie doll enjoys being one of the worlds most popular toys. However, along the way to getting that status, there were a number of doll variations that never quite made it. This is a list of the Barbie dolls that you most likely haven’t seen on store shelves lately…

Scratch and Sniff Barbie (Use your imagination…we’re not saying a word.)

Crash Test Barbie

Opera Barbie (complete with the horns and the brass brassiere)

Marie Antionette Barbie (with removable head; guillotine included)

Hiroshima Barbie (just a shadow of her former self)

Enron Barbie (Originally sold for $29.95, but now you can’t give her away.)

Frozen Barbie on a Stick (in your grocer’s frozen food section)

Divorce Barbie (includes the house, the car, and half of Ken’s crap)

Broken Bungee Barbie

FrankenBarbie (green Barbie with bolts through her neck)

Shock Therapy Barbie (car battery and wires included)

Samuel L. Jackson Ken (He’ll get medieval on your a**.)

Manic Depressive Barbie (with a set of Oriental throwing knives)

Biker Barbie (with leather jacket, tattoos, and red bandana)

Cheesehead Barbie (Wisconsin’s best)

Dogsled Barbie

Peg Leg Barbie

Eye Patch Barbie

Politically Incorrect Barbie (Pull the string and she loudly blurts all your favorite racial slurs.)

Death Row Barbie (formerly #31)

Life Size Anatomically Correct Barbie (for all you perverts out there)

Martha Stewart Barbie (comes with orange jumpsuit and color-coordinated accessories)

Homeless Barbie (complete with stolen K-Mart shopping cart)

Tattoo Barbie

Burn Victim Barbie (bandages and Bactine included)

Venus de Milo Barbie (made of rock; no head, no arms)

Bulemic Barbie (Feed her, then make her throw it back up!)

Cyberpunk Barbie (includes ‘trodes and implants)

White Trash Barbie

Serial Killer Barbie

Drag Queen Ken (Comes with three, count ‘em, three, of Barbie’s dresses.)

Acupuncture Barbie (not recommended or children under seven)

Voodoo Doll Barbie (see #33 above)

Cannibal Barbie (Great visual imagery, huh?)

Fast Food Barbie (Also known as McBarbie…you want fries with that?)

Teenage Slut Barbie (see #21)

Polar Bear Club Barbie (dip her in cold water, and her skin turns from pink to blue!)

Ski Bunny Barbie (soon to be #60)

Sucking Chest Wound Barbie

Alien Barbie (Don’t tell ANYONE…)

Ken In Black (protecting Barbie from the worst scum of the universe)

Alien Eyewitness Barbie (vacant expression, been flashed one too many times with the neuralizer)

Mafia Ken (With a violin case…you got a problem with that?)

Alcoholics Anonymous Barbie (With coffee mug and 12-step guide)

Mutant Barbie (comes with Dark Phoenix costume)

Las Vegas Showgirl Barbie (with skimpy dress)

FemmiNazi Barbie (Pull the string and find out why men suck.)

Goth grrl Barbie (with black hair and lipstick, dog collar, and 20-hole Doc Martens)

Body Piercing Barbie

Napoleon Ken (stands 2″ tall)

Midget Barbie (partner to #51, above)

Spank-Me Barbie (see #37)

Shish-Ka-Barbie (Here’s one we’d all like to see!)

Knocked-Up Barbie

Chain Smoker Barbie (with Surgeon General’s warning on box)

Tough B*tch Barbie (see #14)

Junkie Barbie (Gotta love those needle tracks…)

Iron Maiden Barbie (No, not the band…)

Avalanche Barbie (buried in 16 feet of snow)

Hooker Barbie (#47 after the show)

Cross-Dressing Ken, er, Barbie, er, Ken (Who knows?)

Whoopie Cushion Barbie (Do you really need a description?)

Microsoft Barbie (Barbie doll with Bill Gates’ head. Seeks to eliminate all other dolls.)

Realistic Teenage Barbie (flat chest, braces, and acne)

Internet Addiction Barbie (Pale complexion, bloodshot eyes, and coffee-stained clothes.

Pull the string and she either spouts URL’s or mutters to herself.)

Triple Espresso Barbie (pull the string and she shakes uncontrollably for hours)

Shop-’Til-You-Drop Barbie (with a wallet full of credit cards)

Collection Agency Ken (starts calling 6 months after you buy #68, above)

Bankruptcy Barbie (formerly #68 above; Chapter VII or Chapter XIII available)

Tasmanian Barbie (spins like a top)

Siamese Twins Barbie (Actually, I believe they prefer to be called “conjoined twins”.)

Edible Barbie (also known as Choc-O-Barbie)

Hockey Barbie (With bruises, a hockey stick, and missing teeth.)

Triple Bypass Barbie

Diarrhea Barbie (Always on the run.)

Kleptomaniac Barbie (with suction cup hands)

Witch Doctor Ken (partner to #34, above)

Elvira Barbie (with long black hair and skimpy black gown)

Werewolf Barbie (normal doll, except under a full moon)

Living Dead Barbie (use your imagination)

Bigfoot Barbie (sold mostly in the Northwest)

Cyclops Barbie (One eye, right in the middle of her forehead.)

Cyclops Ken (A perfect partner for #46.)

Flying Hero Barbie (Yes, I know they made this one, but it’s at least as ludicrous as anything we came up
Flying Hero Barbie (Yes, I know they made this one, but it’s at least as ludicrous as anything we came up with.)

Spock Ken (pointy ears, one eyebrow raised)

Barbie of Borg (You will buy one. Resistance is futile.)

Hippie Chick Barbie (with bell bottoms, protest sign, and simulated controlled substances and paraphernalia)

Blaxploitation Barbie (With afro and provocative outfit. Shaft Ken sold separately.)

Head Trauma Barbie (I don’t even want to talk about that one.)

Leprosy Barbie (with removable appendages)

Iron Lung Barbie

Texas Necktie Barbie (with gallows)

Safari Barbie (With rifle, pith helmet, and pygmy guide.)

Steroid Barbie (The rest of her physique is as exaggerated as her bust is on the normal doll!)

Steroid Ken (Highly exaggerated physique; Major League Baseball uniform included {specify desired team}.)

Rock Climbing Barbie (#9 with climbing gear)

Militant Femminist Barbie (#48 with an assault rifle)

admin answers:

I actually read the whole list!
But DAAAAAAAAAAAAAANG YOU ARE CREATIVE! [and apparently have a lot of time on your hands to type this whole thing]

Ruth asks…

Can you name what movie these famous quotes are from?

1. OK! I’ll talk! In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max’s toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog…When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I got nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out…But the worst thing I ever done — I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, t-t-then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa — and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life.

2. I took a shower washing every body part with actual soap; including all my major crevices; including in between my toes and in my belly button which I never did before but sort of enjoyed. I washed my hair with adult formula shampoo and used cream rinse for that just-washed shine. I can’t seem to find my toothbrush, so I’ll pick one up when I go out today. Other than that, I’m in good shape.

3. You wanna waste my time? Okay. I call my lawyer. He’s the best lawyer in Miami. He’s such a good lawyer, that by tomorrow morning, you gonna be working in Alaska. So dress warm.

4. Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I’d like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, ****less, hopeless, heartless, fat-***, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey **** he is. Hallelujah. Holy shit. Where’s the Tylenol?

5. Summer romances begin for all kinds of reasons, but when all is said and done, they have one thing in common. They’re shooting stars, a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, fleeting glimpse of eternity, and in a flash they’re gone.

6. You’re gonna need a bigger boat.

7. Dear little baby Jesus, who’s sittin’ in his crib watchin the Baby Einstein videos, learnin’ ’bout shapes and colors. I would like to thank you for bringin’ me and my moma together, and also that my kids no longer sound like retarded gang-bangers.

8. I’ll tell you where. Someplace warm. A place where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I’m talking about a little place called Aspen.

9. One day it started raining, and it didn’t quit for four months. We been through every kind of rain there is. Little bitty stingin’ rain… and big ol’ fat rain. Rain that flew in sideways. And sometimes rain even seemed to come straight up from underneath.

10. You’re coming with me Cain.

admin answers:

1. Goonies
2. Home Alone
3. Scarface
4. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
5. The Notebook
6. Jaws
7. Talledega Nights
8. Dumb and Dumber
9. Forest Gump
10. Robocop

try some movies I dont own. Lol.
Ps. I can connect them all to Kevin Bacon in less than seven links. Want to see me earn my points???

Lisa asks…

Do you think I’m an OK writer?

I wrote this story, I am 14, and I like writing for fun. I’m just wondering, am I any good? How good? I want lots of feedback please! Thanks!

I am Alex Rockbrook, and I am a spy. I didn’t know I was a spy until the evening of May 6th. I have been training with secret agents since I was 3 years old, I just didn’t know yet.

Chapter 1,
In which my normal life gets flipped to my other crazy life I no idea about

On the bus, I sit with my best friends in our reserved seats that we won on a raffle ticket at last years school carnival, theres room for 3 people, 5 at the most, but most of the people who tried to fit in with 5, well lets just say, they don’t go here anymore.

“What are you planning for the summer?” said best friend Jammie Carter. Jammie has been my best friend since the 4th grade, all the way into the 8th, and soon to be broken up by the oh so scary, but yet exiting, high school. Jammie will be attending St. Ann’s. Me, I don’t know where I’m going, whenever I bring it up with my parents, they say It’ll all work out, then every now and then I hear them talking about some school that I had never heard of, a special school. I’m not special! Well, atleast I don’t have any issues!

“Hanging out, I don’t know I don’t have that much planned” I said. “What about you Arron?” Arron had been my friend since, well, birth! Our moms were friends in colledge, and have been ever since. The only problem with that is that I think it make Jammie feel left out. He sighed, “I don’t know, I think my moms trying to get me to take summer classes for school next year, I don’t know why, I passed all my classes so far, and we’ve only got 2 weeks left of school.” “Maybe she just wants you to get ahead for next year, just in case” I said sleepily. “Are you guys comming to the grill?” I asked. My family owned a resteront called, “The Grill” that was 2 blocks away from my house, I get them to come and hang out with me while I’m on shift sometimes. “Sorry Alex, I’ve got homework” said Jammie. “Arron?” I gave him a puppy dog face. “Sure, I’ll hang out with you until,” he looked at his watch, “9:00, then I’ve got to go to bed.”

We got off the bus at my house, said bye to Jammie, and walked 2 blocks to “The Grill”. When we got there my mom and dad were already working, making barbecue chicken for dinner rush. The inside of the grill consisted of about 10 talbes and booths, a counter that went along the whole back end of the room, then behind that the kitchen. It was 3:00 and “The Grill” opened at 4:00, so we set up our homework on the counter and got to work on our history reports. We finished at about 3:30, and went around the back of the reseront and played bascket ball in the reserved area for owners, me, my mom and dad, my sister (age 3) and 2 twin brothers (age 6).

“So, what do you want to do tonight?” I asked. “I don’t know, we could watch TV” “Bor-ing” we said in unison. “Have you decided where you’re going to high school yet?” he said, “No” I said, a little more quieter than I meant to. “Me ether, when ever I ask my mom about it, she just says its a surpize, or something like that” “Me too!” I said. “Guys!!” My mother called from the resteront back door, “Time to open!” And with that, we ran inside and sat at the counter. The night went as usual, people came in, ordered, and pigged out. We sat at the counter, once in a while telling a cutomer where the bathroom is.

Then, sometime around 6:30, a man came bursting in the room. He was what looked like a worked up Hobo, he wore tattered sweat pants, a gray T-shirt, and a moldy looking red plaid jacket. He was old, in or around his 40′s. Though he dressed like a hobo, his skin was very tan, not burnt, tan. Nobody seemed to notice, he walked to the counter, looked from both Arron and I and said in the faintesed whisper, “Are you Alex Rockbrook, and are you Arron Ladle?” “Yes” we said, after a long awkward silence. He smiled and said “Come with me” “Um, I don’t think I’m supposed to leave the res with telling my parents where I’m going” I said, a little scared now. “I said, we’re going now!” He said, still whispering. and with that, he picked both of us up like children and started across the restaurant. “Let us go!!” we shouted. “Help!!!” But our kidnapper just said “My niece and nephew, always joking!” And no one helped. “Mom!!! Dad!!! Help us!” But help didn’t come, then before knew it, the man caring us was jogging now, already outside, the sunset looked almost sad, as we p

admin answers:

Sorry, I’m about to offer blunt criticism and hope it shakes you up to find out how to write a better story.

In a nutshell, you have over 600 words of dull, non-story before anything actually happens. That’s not story-telling. And when something finally happens, the supposed spy acts like a scared baby.

You could learn to be a good writer!

Back to the criticism (if you want to learn):-

The idea of child spies isn’t original, is it?

This is full of unnecessary, boring detail: what time, what age, what year…. So what?

Also, it’s full of dull, ordinary things: catch the bus, talk about school, watch TV, eat dinner…WHERE’S THE STORY IN THAT?

After a long wait, something happens. A man bursts in! But instead of action we get a laborious description of what he did and didn’t look like, “not burned, tanned” and all that irrelevance. Who’s examining so closely the tan, and inspecting the clothes, of a man who just burst into the place? But then you say that “nobody seemed to notice” the man who burst in! So much for bursting in!

Then it gets sillier, the spy with the exciting life (he seems partly not to be aware of) is a little, scared child. What happended to the spy?!

Read some good books on how to write good fiction and learn!

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