December 14, 2017

Best Dog Life Jacket

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Maria asks…

everyone, plz critique my story?

yes its very long, but plz critique…………… Years of reckoning….

It wasn’t very difficult the first time. She just left it there while she ran over to pick up her child. “someone” apparently, had loosened the screws on his bike tires. The four year old boy was bawling over a scraped knee. Ridiculous. But whatever worked to get her away from her purse was fine with him. Alexander swiftly walked past the bench she had left it on, grabbed the unusually stuffed handbag, slipped it under his jacket-blanketed arm, and power-walked out of sight. He ducked behind a tree to see what he had retrieved. A small wallet, some baby wipes, a blue sippy cup, a small chunk of lint, and a pink and silver cell phone with a few cheap rhinestones on the front. He looked at the logo. A razor. Nice. He’d wanted a cell phone ever since he’d left his in his pants….and then put them in the washer. But luckily it still worked. Until he dropped it down the stairs. And, miraculously, it was STILL working. But then he dropped it in the pool. That’s when it stopped working. He grabbed the phone and the wallet, then threw the purse into the tree above his head. He laughed quietly. He wondered if he wanted to wait around and see her jump to get her purse. She was rather busty, and it would be nice to see her leap. After a few seconds he decided against it. Better to not test fate. He grinned widely. It always felt good when he would get the cash as easy as he had. That was probably the reason he did steal so much. It was the only thing in his life that made him feel good. Home sucked, school sucked, people sucked, he sucked, everything sucked. But that’s the way life was. Luckily, he wouldn’t be around to endure “life” much longer. He thought the knife would be best. A gun would be to loud and would alert people. Not to mention the fact that, well, he didn’t have a gun. And he would really rather not strangle himself. he didn’t like pain, It hurt. He opened up the wallet and took the cash inside. His eyes grew in surprise At a mother carrying around three hundred and fifty dollars in cash in her purse. Marry rich he supposed. He tossed the credit card to avoid getting caught. He threw his right leg over his bike, pushed it off the building it was leaning on, and rode away. As he rode he flipped open his new phone and began deleting the numbers. after a few minutes he realized he didn’t even have anybody to talk to, got pissed off, and broke it at the flip seam, throwing it over the nearest fence. He heard a dog yelp. Poor puppy. He did love animals. He eventually came to a stop at his driveway. He didn’t want to go into his home because he knew as soon as he did, the trouble would start. His father would be angry that he hadn’t started his homework, his mother would turn on the guilt, his brother would cry about never getting a chance to play with him anymore, everyone would start hollering and screaming, he woulod start working, and keep working for hours on end,then his family would all gather up and watch a movie for family time while he had to sit in the kitchen doing the work he would never get done, everyone would go to bed but him, he would work until 1:00 in the morning and still not gret his work done, then his parents would wake him up early in the morning to finish his work, more yelling, he would have no time to eat, then he would be sent to school with his work still half finished, and if he was lucky, he wou.d have gotten his work done but would forget it at home, he would go to school, tired, exhausted, and on the brink of crying, the guys at school would be awful assholes and bully him around for not being athletic or popular, he would be called filthy names that even he wouldn’t repeat to his worst enemy, the girls would be spiteful and hellish little bitches, screaming if he got within ten feet of them, look at him weird, slap him occasionally, fabricate utterly horrendous rumors about him wich would then spread like a virus throughout the whole school, the coaches would purposely humiliate him in front of the guy and the girls, challenging him to do things he knew even the bu,lkiest jocks were incapable of, then he would go to english and his teacher, mrs.hyde, would publicly humiliate him, making a spectacle of anything that he didn’t do exactly right, and when he didn’t get his homework done, she would basically announce it to the class when she “discussed” it with him that she was surprised he couldn’t get the simplest of things done, and she would say at an unnecessarily loud tone that she could have her 9 year old son come after school to help teach him if he wanted. He had only two friends, Max Valley and Ben Cunning. But as soon as Max became popular, he became worse than most of the guys. And Ben was just a pervert, so he didn’t really like hanging with him. but worst of all was the principle, Mrs.Stover. she would do everything in her power to get him in trouble and used all of her energy to think up unjust punishments for the things she said he did. She was a complete liar. He would go to her if someone was threatening him or trying to hurt him and she would turn it around and suspend him for hurting students or threatening the students he told her were threatening him. There was one girl he met he liked. He wanted to know her and become friends with her. So he was making a good impression on her he thought but one day she came to him and told him he wouldn’t hang out with a guy who did what he did to that “other girl.” He had no idea what she was talking about, he had never hurt anyone! Who the hell would do this to him?! He knew it was one of the teachers but he never found out which one and so he lived with it, wondering how anyone would take the one friend he might have. Although he had a good guess. Even the counselor, mrs.vant, was against him. she would purposely give him bad advice for his problems, and whenever he let something slip that showed a weakness of his, she would make sure that Mrs.Stover heard about it. So then, after 7 hours of this, he would go home, and the cycle would begin to repeat. This went on for a year and a half and by this time, alexander had almost completely lost all the faith he had in god and could almost care less about a relatinoship with him. but that was okay he supposed because he had never felt close to god anyway. God obviously didn’t love him enough to help him, so he decided to abandon god. He had constant thoughts of suicide and was planning to put these thoughts into action next Tuesday. Honestly, what did he have to live for? He hated himself, he hated everyone else, everyone else hated him, his family hated to be around him, god didn’t love him, he had no friends, and it was obvious, he figured, he never would. He was worthless and was failing everything and so there was obviously no future for him. death may even be a blessing in all this turmoil. Today was Friday so he had three days to prepare his letter. He decided he would leave a suicide letter. He still loved his family, and if he was gonna kill himself, they might as well get a goodbye. He snapped out of his thoughtful trance, and hopped off his bike, slowly wakling it towards his home. he went unnecessarily slowly but nevertheless, he found himself at the front door way too soon. He placed his bike sideways against the wall and stretched out his hand for the doorknob. He was just about to turn it when he heard somebody clear their throat behind him. he spun around, startled, and found himself face to face with an annoying looking person. “ wonderful day sir! Have you accepted jesus christ as your personal savior?” annoying was right. It was one of those ignorant christians who were incapable of seeing the world past their noses. Probably because their bible was always in the way. “ oh god.” Alexander thought as he decided quickly of a way to deal with this guy. “listen buddy, do I look at all like I’ve accepted your stupid religion?” he said sliding his hand down his body such as the way a gameshow women presents a new car. He held his skull ring studded fist out for the man to see. The man cleared his throat again. “ I couldn’t help but notice you standing on the sidewalk staring at this house for about seven minutes back there. Trouble at home?” this really pissed alexander off. What the hell business was it of his what was going on in someone else’s life? “ allright listen friend, you get off of my property in ten seconds or that bible is going to be so far up your-“ the man cut him off. “ allright allright. But take this at least.” He said holding out a pocket sized bible. “ thanks ill be sure to take real good care of it. Ill go put it by my seven crosses and my statue of jesus right now! Oh praise the lord, happy day!!” he said jumping up and clapping. Alexander then regained his sour look and shoved the man with both hands off his porch, causing him to stumble to the ground. He heard the man clear his throat one more time as he walked trouhg the door. “ and take a damn losange!” he finaled, slamming the door. He walked as fast as could be considered walking through the front hall, hoping he could make it upstairs before somebody knew he was there. There was no point in getting started on his homework when he would never finish it. Miraculously, he managed to get to his room unnoticed. He looked at the third drawer to the left of his bed. He knew what was in there. The light in his room hit the blade through the crack in the drawer and caused an ominous glare upon his face. He shivered. He wasn’t sure why, but it scared him. it shouldn’t scare him when he wanted so desperately for everything to end, yet it did. That was the factor that had kept him from killing himself months before. He wanted to die, but the thought thoroughly scared the living hell out of him, to say the least. Just the thought of dying brought him to the edge of sweating, and so, as a few cold drops of perspiration broke out upon his neck, he switched off his light, and slipped underneath the covers. As he lie curled in the fetal position, he closed his eyes and drifted into repose, but that lasted for only a few minutes when he was awakened by his dachshund, Ceppy, crying. It really ticked him off when he did this. His dog had to go to the bathroom, which, of course, he couldn’t have done while they were downstairs. He got up and brought Ceppy downstairs opened the back door and put him outside for a few minutes. After his dog had been outside for about ten minutes, he went outside to check on him. as he stepped out, he glanced up and caught sight of the moon. The moon was, no doubt, his favorite thing in the world to gaze at, especially on a night like this, when there were no clouds outside and he could get a perfect view. The light of the moon reflected off his pool and cast a beautiful shimmering shadow upon the side of his home. his eyes began to dry out after a blinkless minute and he snapped out of his trance. Picking up Ceppy he walked back inside and went to bed.
oh yeah, anyways, this is only the first six pages but it takes a very big spiritual turn. for the better.
and, no this is not the type of person i am in case anyone gets freaked out. its actually a very uplifting story later on
ooooo kaaay forist i see SOMEONE is completely sane *coff coff*

admin answers:

For more reviews you can try a writing site I’m on — — they have some pretty cool features.

Like a private writing area to save your writings. Pen names, when you post your work you can choose who you want to read it [ friends only, fans only, or everyone.] when you receive feedback on your stories you can save the helpful ones and they’ll go into your private writing area. It’s helpful for when you go back to writing. Good luck!

Lisa asks…

your perfect funeral?

mine -

i want to be barred under a tree

my music*

watching over me-iced earth
i did it my way-frank sinatra
in my life-beatles
let it be-beatles
ill be missing you-p.diddy
its so hard to say goodbye to yesterday – boys 2 men
amor eterno-juan gabriel
my immortal-evanescence
in this river-black label society
live and die in la-tupac
dreamer- ozzy osbourne
see you on the other side- ozzy osbourne
simply the best-tina turner

i want to barried with my dog yes i know creepy but i love her and shes my companion if she dies first then i am going to stuff her is i die first i want her killed and then stuffed and put in with me

i want to wear my black dickes jacket, jeans and my black and red converse and my favorite beatle shirt

i want people to walk up to the mic and talk about there memories with me and yea thats all i got so far

and if paul mcartney is alive i would like him to sing to me

admin answers:

Wow. Um. I just want there to be free chocolate milk for everyone.
Yeah. And maybe have someone famous there.
So people will be like, “I didn’t know that he knew John Stamos!”.


Donna asks…

Can you name what movies these quotes are from?

1. OK! I’ll talk! In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max’s toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog…When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I got nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out…But the worst thing I ever done — I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, t-t-then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa — and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life.

2. I took a shower washing every body part with actual soap; including all my major crevices; including in between my toes and in my belly button which I never did before but sort of enjoyed. I washed my hair with adult formula shampoo and used cream rinse for that just-washed shine. I can’t seem to find my toothbrush, so I’ll pick one up when I go out today. Other than that, I’m in good shape.

3. You wanna waste my time? Okay. I call my lawyer. He’s the best lawyer in Miami. He’s such a good lawyer, that by tomorrow morning, you gonna be working in Alaska. So dress warm.

4. Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I’d like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, ****less, hopeless, heartless, fat-***, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey **** he is. Hallelujah. Holy ****. Where’s the Tylenol?

5. Summer romances begin for all kinds of reasons, but when all is said and done, they have one thing in common. They’re shooting stars, a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, fleeting glimpse of eternity, and in a flash they’re gone.

6. You’re gonna need a bigger boat.

7. Dear little baby Jesus, who’s sittin’ in his crib watchin the Baby Einstein videos, learnin’ ’bout shapes and colors. I would like to thank you for bringin’ me and my moma together, and also that my kids no longer sound like retarded gang-bangers.

8. I’ll tell you where. Someplace warm. A place where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I’m talking about a little place called Aspen.

9. One day it started raining, and it didn’t quit for four months. We been through every kind of rain there is. Little bitty stingin’ rain… and big ol’ fat rain. Rain that flew in sideways. And sometimes rain even seemed to come straight up from underneath.

10. You’re coming with me Cain.

11. These boys get that syrup in ‘em, they get all antsy in their pantsy.

12. As soon as your eyes shut I oughta punch you square in the face.

13. Relax… A hickie from Kenickie is like a Hallmark card, when you only care enough to send the very best!

14. Tigers love pepper. They hate cinnamon

15. Well look, I already told you! I deal with the goddamn customers so the engineers don’t have to! I have people skills! I am good at dealing with people! Can’t you understand that? What the hell is wrong with you people?


admin answers:

1 Goonies
2 Home Alone
4 National Lampoon Christmas Vacation
7 Ballad of Ricky Bobby
9 Forrest Gump
13 Grease

I didn’t do so good :(

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